What Is Stress?

Stress, what exactly is stress? We all know what it feels like, but is stress an emotion? The answer is no. Stress is a combination of emotions, common emotions include fear, worry, anxiety, dread and anger. Whatever the particular cocktail of emotions your stress include they all carry the same message, you're in the midst of something overwhelming or about to face a task or situation that is greater than your current resources or abilities.  
 

Stress in small doses helps prepare us for tasks, situations and events. Studying for the big test, preparing for an important meeting, having that tough conversation with a family member. 
 

Ongoing stress and habitual stress starts to create havoc on the body, rather than helping you to prepare for an event you begin to crumble and waste away from the inside out.  
 

The first step towards dealing with stress is to stop labeling it as stress, find out the emotions that are included in your stress cocktail. Your emotions are a road map to your thoughts, once you've identified your emotions you can start identifying helpful and unhelpful thoughts. Encourage helpful thoughts and challenge unhelpful ones.  
 

If you're flooded by your emotions, you may need to practice some relaxation techniques before your able to do thought work.  
 

One of the most powerful relaxation techniques is controlling your breathing. A simple breathing practice involves slowing your breathing by extending your exhalation longer than your inhalation. Vary your breathing times based on your health and what works for you individually. A good place to start is a 4-4-6-2 Breath in 1...2...3....4 Hold 1...2...3....4 Exhale 1...2...3....4....5....6 Hold 1...2 repeat 

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About Me: I'm a Christian counselor in Vancouver, WA. I specialize in treating male teens and men's counseling. Please contact me with any questions about my blog, counseling or to set up an appointment.

All information and opinions shared on this blog are for educational purposes only. Please contact me or another mental health care provider for diagnosis and treatment. 

Therapy | Vancouver, WA

When I'm Not In Awe Of God

It struck me that I'm not living in awe of God when I was able to read Romans 5:2 without stopping, I moved to verse 3 without missing a beat. I forced myself to re-read verse 2 over and over, I eventually had to ask myself why this verse isn't provoking anything in me.  

Romans 5:2 "Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory." 

After some soul searching, it was clear God does not impress me. The reality of undeserved privilege and SHARING GOD's GLORY was small fry. This was quite disturbing to me, so I began to delve deeper. What did impress me? What was I in awe of? Two things were apparent to me, at times I'm in awe of nothing and other times I'm in awe of life's pleasures.  

When I'm in awe of nothing  

The grind of life can become robotic. I can become accustomed to doing the same thing day in and day out. Major goals in life are hard to accomplish, life gets in the way and it hurts too much to face it. I put my head down, go back to the grind and occasionally look up to be reminded of thwarted goals. In this place I'm reminded that I'm in awe of nothing. Further soul searching with help from The Spirit revealed to be in awe is to let go of control or the appearance of being in control.  

To be in awe you have to become insignificant and at the mercy of something bigger than yourself. I think of nature; the most awe-inspiring acts of nature are also the most frightening. A lion, tornado, earthquake, volcano and hurricane all remind you of how small and not in-control you are.   

To be in awe I need to let go of trying to control my major life goals and give way to God's plan. I think the serenity prayer captures this concept nicely.  

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;  
courage to change the things I can;  
and wisdom to know the difference. 
 
Living one day at a time;  
enjoying one moment at a time;  
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;  
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;  
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;  
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.  
Amen. 
 

In my next post I'll discuss living in awe of life's pleasures. 

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About Me: I'm a Christian counselor in Vancouver, WA. I specialize in treating male teens and men's counseling. Please contact me with any questions about my blog, counseling or to set up an appointment.

All information and opinions shared on this blog are for educational purposes only. Please contact me or another mental health care provider for diagnosis and treatment. 

Christian Counseling | Vancouver, WA

Do Guys Get Depressed?

Short answer, yes. 6 million a year.* There is a societal stigma around depression for both men and women. Depression is becoming more accepted and normalized but has a long way to go. Untreated depression accounts for more than 43.7 Billion dollars a year in lost time, reduced production and treatment costs.*  Men experience even more stigma about being depressed because it goes against the narrative of being a strong, independent, emotionally balanced provider.  

Women tend to have an easier time identifying depression when compared to men.  Women experience more of the common emotions associated with depression, sadness and hopelessness. Men may experience irritable moods, anger and hostility and confuse depression with stress or life discomfort.  

Guys, I can't encourage you enough to stop thinking about depression as a moral failure or weakness and see it as a medical issue that needs to be treated. I doubt you'd guilt a friend for getting his diabetes or cholesterol treated, why guilt yourself? Counseling is an effective means of treating depression. I offer skills and tools that you'll use the rest of your life, most guys weren't taught these skills and are struggling as a result. Contact me to see how counseling can change the trajectory of your life.   

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About Me: I'm a Christian counselor in Vancouver, WA. I specialize in treating male teens and men's counseling. Please contact me with any questions about my blog, counseling or to set up an appointment.

All information and opinions shared on this blog are for educational purposes only. Please contact me or another mental health care provider for diagnosis and treatment. 

Depression Counselor | Men and Male Teens 

References  

https://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/depression-in-special-situations#1 

https://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/untreated-depression-effects#1     

How to Deal With an Angry Teen

For more information see my post: How to Talk to Your Teen When Your Teen Won't Talk to You

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About Me: I'm a Christian counselor in Vancouver, WA. I specialize in treating male teens and men's counseling. Please contact me with any questions about my blog, counseling or to set up an appointment.

All information and opinions shared on this blog are for educational purposes only. Please contact me or another mental health care provider for diagnosis and treatment.

Teen Counseling Treatment | Vancouver, WA

How to Talk to Your Teen When Your Teen Won't Talk to You

What happened to that sweet boy who'd whisper in your ear that he loved you? All you can get from him now is a grunt, a demand, and an explosion of anger.  

Your son is rapidly changing. A whole new world of emotions, urges and social awareness has been awakened. Author and Pastor, Ted Roberts, put it this way, "He's like a Ferrari without breaks." He's all souped-up to experience and impact the world but he is clueless to get the car out of the garage without taking down the whole house. He does what he's seen other men do, put your head down, push through it and don't bring up anything that makes you look weak.    

What do I do about his anger? The last thing you want to do is get into a power struggle. It's important to note that in most cases anger is acting as a secondary emotion. It's protecting a vulnerable emotion by pushing everyone back. Like a wounded animal, to protect yourself you let everyone know you're still dangerous. Anger pushes others back. 

• Don't get pulled into the secondary crisis/argument/fight    
• Recognize he feels threatened, incapable or lacking tools to communicate his real feelings
• Set boundaries with a soft invitation, "It's not ok for you to talk to me like that, but I can see you're feeling some strong emotions. Know that I love you and what to support you anyway I can. Talk to me about what you're dealing with when you're ready." 
• Take note of how you deal with your emotions.  What does it look like when you're angry? 

Does he have an emotional vocabulary? I'm not talking about knowing words like happy, sad and angry, I'm talking about speaking the language of emotions. Most men are clueless about emotions. Just look at our culture, men can only cry when it's "appropriate."  Men don't talk about feelings, we talk about things; men get angry and take charge, we control ourselves.    

• Emotions give vital information about what he's experiencing (Just like our stomach gives us information around dinner time) 
• Emotions request/demand action (Your stomach tells you you're hungry so you'll eat) 
• Each emotion has a unique role to inform and initiate action   
• Journaling is a great way to boost your emotional vocabulary  
• Get an emotions list off the internet and identify one emotion a day  

Can he be emotionally vulnerable? Being emotionally vulnerable is frightening, particularly if you've been hurt in the past. For guys another layer is added, vulnerability is weak, strength is desired. Looking strong is valued over being real. I've sat with countless successful men who are not emotionally vulnerable. A common thought they all have is "I'm a fake and it's just a matter of time until everyone finds out." As they become emotionally vulnerable with others they learn that everyone has that thought from time to time. Their boss, their co-worker, who brags about all his accomplishments, they all struggle. You just don't know about it until someone lets their guard down.  

• Teens are developmentally geared towards becoming an individual. They are seeing themselves less a part of you and more a separate person. Fighting with them to open up may be a lost cause for NOW. They will come back in due time. Better energy might be spent guiding them to talk to other trusted adults and leaders they look up to.  

Is he safe? If you think your son is going to harm himself or someone else, do everything in your power to keep him and others safe. In doing so you may rupture the relationship, but tomorrow is now an option to heal it. You have to decide when to intervene, seeking guidance and support can make a difficult situation more manageable.     

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About Me: I'm a Christian counselor in Vancouver, WA. I specialize in treating male teens and men's counseling. Please contact me with any questions about my blog, counseling or to set up an appointment.

All information and opinions shared on this blog are for educational purposes only. Please contact me or another mental health care provider for diagnosis and treatment.

Teen Counselor | Vancouver, WA

Back to School: A Crisis in Identity Part 3

Over the last two weeks we've explored the world's concept of identity and worth. So, what does God say about you? Take the next 30 days to meditate on these verses. It's your choice to believe what other people say or what God says about you. I dare you to see what happens when you stop giving your worth away to someone's opinion and start seeing yourself as God sees you.  

If you haven't yet read part 1 and or 2, you can do so here: Part 1, Part 2

1 Peter 2:9 ESV  

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. 

1 John 3:1-3 ESV 

See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Beloved, we are God's children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is. And everyone who thus hopes in him purifies himself as he is pure. 

Ephesians 2:10 ESV  

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. 

John 15:15 ESV  

No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. 

Psalm 139:1-24 ESV 

 O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. ... 

Isaiah 43:1 ESV 

But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. 

Psalm 139:14 ESV  

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. 

1 Samuel 16:7 ESV  

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” 

Psalm 100:3 ESV  

Know that the Lord, he is God! It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture. 

Isaiah 64:8  

But now, O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand. 

Matthew 6:26 ESV 

Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 

Psalm 103:15-17 ESV  

As for man, his days are like grass; he flourishes like a flower of the field; for the wind passes over it, and it is gone, and its place knows it no more. But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him, and his righteousness to children's children, 

Romans 8:16-17 ESV  

The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.

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About Me: I'm a Christian counselor in Vancouver, WA. I specialize in treating male teens and men's counseling. Please contact me with any questions about my blog, counseling or to set up an appointment.

All information and opinions shared on this blog are for educational purposes only. Please contact me or another mental health care provider for diagnosis and treatment.

Vancouver, WA | Christian Counselor

Back to School: A Crisis in Identity Part 2

God's word makes a clear distinction about His value of people and the way the world values people. Movies, TV, social media and society are very vocal about who has value. You won't go far without hearing you need to be more, better, popular and good looking. 1st John 2:16 describes it perfectly, "For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world." (NLT)

The world (culture, society, friends, family, media) screams that someone can be better than someone else. God also has a megaphone, look at nature. Is Mt. St. Helens better than Mt. Hood? Is the Pacific better than the Atlantic? Is the North Pole better than the South Pole? These are ridiculous questions! Who can answer them?

Let's use the world's logic to answer one of these questions. Let's say I own a resort on Mt. Hood. As a businessman I want to make a ton of money and have the best resort around. I'd find all of the most attractive and famous people, get the Winter Olympics, go on a social media blitz, invite movies and TV shows to film at Mt. Hood. I'd share why Mt. Hood is better than Mt. St. Helens with anyone who'd listen. Soon people would believe my message and share it with others. As more people believe that Mt. Hood is better than Mt. St. Helens the statement becomes true.

Is it true? The fact is I've got a vested interest in Mt Hood being better. I've put time, power, money, energy and shared a clever narrative. The more people I get to believe my narrative the more I have to gain. What did I gain? I gained exactly what 1st John 2:16 describes, money, power, achievement and being better than someone/something else. I can only keep what I've gained while people believe Mt. Hood is better. And Guess what? Someone just built a better resort on Mt. Saint Helens.

The following verse, 1st John 2:17 says, "The world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God remains forever." Translation, the world's way may feel true and a lot of people may believe it, but it won't stand the test of time.

Throughout history there has been some absurd standards of beauty, most notably are those that have been used with (against) women. In the 16th Century women plucked their hairlines a few inches back, creating a receding hairline to show off their foreheads. Being blond was also considered beautiful, urine was often used for that golden shine.

The Japanese had a practice called Ohaguro. The women, and sometimes the men, would dye their teeth black for that fresh look of clean. For accent Greeks the uni-brow was a sexy look. The Middle Ages was the time to finally get rid of those pesky eyelashes. And In the 18th Century women glued fabric to their faces.

In the end, it's your choice to believe where your identity and value comes from.

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About Me: I'm a Christian counselor in Vancouver, WA. I specialize in treating male teens and men's counseling. Please contact me with any questions about my blog, counseling or to set up an appointment.

All information and opinions shared on this blog are for educational purposes only. Please contact me or another mental health care provider for diagnosis and treatment.

Teen Counseling | Vancouver, WA

Back to School: A Crisis in Identity Part 1

Going back to school creates all kinds of feelings- excitement, anxiety and everything in between. It's common to daydream about who's going to be in your class, the new friends you'll meet and the girl you'll finally work up the courage to talk to. In moderation, this daydreaming can be healthy and expected, but there is another side, a toxic side. It's the side that accompanies feelings of anxiety, worry, fear, sadness and worthlessness.

What if they don't like me anymore? What if I'm not accepted? What if she doesn't notice me? What if they find out who I really am?

When these thoughts are linked to identity, we give others the power to decide who we are. They answer the questions: Am I good enough? Do I have what it takes? Can I fool them into thinking I'm someone great? These thoughts accompany powerful emotions and become all consuming.

Where do these thoughts come from? If you walk into any high school there are established methods of gaining and gauging value. Friends, sports, talents, looks and personality. Everything you do or say can bring you up or down in popularity. Therefore, if you do the "right" things, hang out with the "right" people, look and act the "right" way you can have value. That's a lot of pressure!!! And it's all built on a half-truth.

That fact is God created all of us with the need to be valued. It's inherent in our DNA and our souls to have value. But who sets the standard of value? High schools are just a microcosm of the rest of the world. Money, cars, beauty, power and prestige are all highly valued in our culture. I've heard countless grown men say, "I wonder when everyone at work will learn that I'm a phony." This problem of outsourcing our value doesn’t start and end in high school.

We place our best self on social media to be judged by others. We rely on others to tell us if we're good enough.

The problem of relying on others to give us value is that it was never the job of a created being to give another created being value. Only the creator can give value to his creation. Other people can observe and describe our God given value, but they cannot add to it or diminish it.

Prayerfully consider these verses.

"There is no power on earth that can make a person important." Psalm 75:6 (ERV)

"But can the ax boast greater power than the person who uses it? Is the saw greater than the person who saws? Can a rod strike unless a hand moves it? Can a wooden cane walk by itself?" Isaiah 10:15 (NLT)

"So we have stopped evaluating others from a human point of view. At one time we thought of Christ merely from a human point of view. How differently we know him now!" 2nd Corinthians 5:16 (NLT)

"As for me, it matters very little how I might be evaluated by you or by any human authority. I don't even trust my own judgment on this point." 1st Corinthians 4:3 (NLT)

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About Me: I'm a Christian counselor in Vancouver, WA. I specialize in treating male teens and men's counseling. Please contact me with any questions about my blog, counseling or to set up an appointment.

All information and opinions shared on this blog are for educational purposes only. Please contact me or another mental health care provider for diagnosis and treatment.